Knees Club Festive Extravkneeganza

Sant-knee Claus

From Knees Club Founder, Mary Payne, husband Chris, and all the Club Officials:

President Ray Ennis

Vice-President: Bud Ballou

Club Official: Pauline Miller

Chrisbut Greetings 2001, to all our club members and to patellae everywhere, hoping that you will all continue knocking together peacefully in the Knee Year.

One husband, one Knees Club Founder and New Member 384, Alan Hardy were aboard the Millennkneeum Wheel, aka The London Eye, to officialknee rechristen it The London Knee, in honour of Mary's birthday. The kneevent was captured for posteritknee by Club Official 381, Pauline Miller.


A Chrisbut Story With A Difference

From Knees Monthly #11, December 1966

Editor: Mary Wingert

Printed in High Wycombe

This story was inspired by Kenny Everett, who said he wanted a plastic kneecap dispenser for his 21st birthday last year

It was two weeks before Chrisbut when Mummy asked little Kenknee what he wanted for his Chrisbut present. Kenknee knew what he wanted; he'd had his heart set on it for a long time.

"Oh Mummy!" he gasped, his eyes round and shining, "I want a plastic kneecap dispenser."

"But darling, where can we get one? And anyway, you'd only get tired of it and leave kneecaps all over the living-room floor. Besides, we can't really afford one."

I wonder why she bothered to ask me, thought little Kenknee.

"Yes, Mummy, I-I'll have something (choke) else instead (gulp)," he said, but a big tear rolled down his cheek.

So Kenknee went to the big store to see Father Chrisbut.

"Come and sit on my KNEE, dear little boy, " said F.C., grimacing through his beard. "And what would you like for Chrisbut?"

"Please, Santa, a plastic kneecap dispenser!" replied Kenny.

"(Oh boy!) Well, I'm afraid there are none left at all. Wouldn't you rather have a nice Batman outfit, like all the other kiddies?" Kenknee ran home, screaming.

Feeling very upset, Kenknee decided to write Santa a letter and post it up the chimknee. On Chrisbut Eve, Kenknee hung up his stocking (he was funny that way) at the knee of his bed, hoping and praying that Santa would bring his longed-for Chrisbut present.

During the night, there was a great big PLOP and Santa's sleigh fell through the roof, Batman outfits, reindeer and all.

"That flippin' great thing there!" (or words to that effect), muttered Santa. "Some kids just have to be awkward. Every other kid in the neighbourhood wanted a Batman outfit, and what does he ask for? A plastic kneecap dispenser. Well, I hope it makes him happy now that he's got it. Now let's get out of here before his parents start asking awkward questions about the roof."

Little Kenknee's eyes shone with joy when he found his Chrisbut presents in the morning. His parents' eyes blazed with rage when they saw the roof.

"Well, you got it, Kenknee, so we want to know what you're going to do with it."

"Oh Mother, it's so obvious! I'm going to mass-produce brightly-coloured plastic kneecaps and sell them to shops in Carnaby Street. I'll make a million!"

"Oh. Um... well, I don't think it's quite suitable as a present for little Kenknee, do you Sydknee? I think we'd better confiscate it."

"Oh yes. Definitely. Sorry, son."

And suddenly, Santa's big voice boomed down the chimknee.

"This is a magic kneecap dispenser and it won't work for anyone but Kenknee. Tough, Mum and Dad!"


© Mary Wingert Payne 1966, 2001


If you didn't get a Batman outfit in your 1966 Chrisbut stocking, maybe you got a Radio London Batshirt?


Q: What did the three Wise men see in the sky at Chrisbut?

A: An KNEEstern star!

(I do hope that hasn't spoilt your Chrisbut)

On Radio London at 3.00pm, on Chrisbut Day 1997,
HM Queen Mary of Stoke Mandeville kneelivered The Knees Speech

Listen to Her Majesty, here

HM is assisted by Doughnut Di Lambing, corgi impressionist and nude Morris dancer (see December Happenings)


Christmas Annual 2001