When the following landed in the Radio London 'In'
box, we thought that, with a little anglicizing and judicious editing, the subject
would appeal to our listeners. Mary has dun sorry DONE just that
and added your own Anorak Blues supplement. Sorry
we can't credit the unknown original US author.
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this
morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman,
with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you
get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ...sort
of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret
Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs
and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel
in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' company
cars ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.
They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, 'adulthood' means' being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis'.
7. Blues can take place in New York
City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson
is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places
to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues
in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not
the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator
be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office
or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or
sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places:
a. Tupperware parties
b. art gallery openings
c. Knightsbridge shops
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues
if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an ancient ethnic person, and you
slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color.
It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues.
Eddie the Eagle could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. gin
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. gin-and-tonic
b. organic fruit juice
c. sparkling mineral water
e. Earl Grey
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues
way to die. So is the electric chair, the railroad track, substance abuse, and
dying lonely on a broken down cot. It ain't no Blues
death if you pop your clogs during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, Laurence, Tarquin
and Rainbow can't sing no Blues no matter
how many men they've shot in Memphis. People with trendy Irish names can sing
the Irish Blues (i.e. The Emeralds)
if they've shot a man in Dublin.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.).
c. last name of US President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe
not 'Kiwi'.)
Deaf Banana Clinton don't work too good either.
20. Don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing
the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled
bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat
on it. I don't care.
An anorak is the perfect garment to wear while singing the Blues,
and we down-home, hard-done-by Anoraks have a whole lotta Blues
to sing.
Lines from popular Anorak Blues ditties include:
Ma anchor chain dun busted
Ah washed my face in salty water
Ah'm sick as a dawg and ma needle dun jumpin'
Lord knows when the lifeboat's a-comin'
They dun towed ma tub to Amsterdam
Ain't nothin' on the radio
They dun turned off dat analog transmitter